The lump on my chest

Oww what a terrible thing, what a terrible feeling, the word that had me in constant sadness, pain and outright grief this year. I know the year is not over, but I think I am done putting myself in a position to feel this one more time.

See it’s one thing to be in a dark season, to want to not try anything because you don’t expect things to be any different, BUT then you get some courage, you get some hope and you try, you try to resist your self doubt, your fears and just do it.

Yeap you apply for that job, the one you were hesitant about, the one that you had to thank God and say “Lord I am doing this, so help me”, when you got a call for that interview. As a good coach, you know what you need to do, so you do it, you prepare and show up right, you show up as if you never doubted.

But then after all that, you get to wait, wait for weeks,and sometimes months - in the silence. And then you start thinking 🤔 “well if they haven’t contacted me- I probably didn’t get the job”.

But you have your friend or your spouse or parent encourage you, that no, they are probably still interviewing and reviewing, or no their processes perhaps take long, or they definitely have not yet decided, keep your hope up. And like that first instance when you had to talk yourself to trying, you talk yourself to believing again, being hopeful and optimistic, I mean this is you right, there is no way you won’t get it, you are the favoured of God and they liked you in that interview.

Weeks later of waiting passively because you don’t really want to admit that you really want this thing. Come week in and out, nothing. And then suddenly on a random morning you scroll through your emails, just another scroll, nothing in mind, and there is the email, thee email.

And immediately your heart drops- your brain starts acting like a drunk man, unable to just concentrate for a second, it goes to why you even wanted this, do you want this, and it answers itself- you really want this ( finally you admit it to yourself), and in that moment of self honesty, you have to read this email that can either affirm your desires or break them . Before even going into the email, you realise, there is no congratulations at the top of this email, and you start preparing yourself for the worst and finally you decide- okay let’s just open it and see.

And all your worst thoughts become reality, and you suddenly feel a lump on your chest, the pain, the grief, the disappointment literally sitting on your chest. It’s another one 🥹

It’s happening again, it’s another one of those “While we were impressed with your qualifications and background” we REGRET to inform you that we will not be proceeding with you. I’m sure they don’t say with ‘you’ but that is how I read it.

And now you are left thinking- but I knew not to try, I knew that the comfort zone was better, acceptance they call it. I had accepted, but now I allowed myself to hope, and now I have to accept this lump and probably cry it out, and it still wouldn’t change that, it wasn’t me, I was not chosen, Again!!

I always tell people, I get more No’s than Yes’s, and because maybe the Yes’s are visible, they think I am always winning. Oww but the number of lumps on my chest definitely outweighs the burst of joy from my chest when I get a yes.

So yeah, I think I have received my last lump for the year, because I am definitely not applying anymore, not in 2024, I am returning to my acceptance state, because I have a reason bigger than my feelings and my fighting spirit that prevents me from even desiring a Congratulations at this point.

The only congratulations I would get at this point is if I am sought after, but applying? I am done for the year.

Don’t say I don’t tell or share with you the low seasons of my life, my career life is currently summed in one drenching word “REGRET”. But I am hopeful that my “CONGRATULATIONS” will be bigger than this current lump, my outburst will reach the heavens , it is only but a season.

So when I coach you and you feel like giving up, and have had many L’s and I am empathetic with you, but still give you tools to move forward, trust that I know, I know failure, I know rejection, I know success, and I know that it takes a coach to get you out of the state like the one I am in, and hence I say- coaches also need a coach. I don’t ask you to do something I wouldn’t do and I don’t guide you in anything I myself have not experienced, and that is what makes me a great coach, even at my worst career moments, you can trust the coach you are getting is very in touch with what you are going through and we will win.

The unemployment rate includes even the best of us, it is not only the uneducated, the economy is affecting even us with our qualifications, we are also getting No’s, and it is not normal, but common in this country right now. So don’t despair.

And for any coaching enquiries:coachingwithmagic@outlook.com

Writen by

Magic